Drugs On My Table. MS/2018/19

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From conception, I started the awesome journey of self acceptance; but now,as far as my sickness is concerned,I am not in the known with regard to the number of strides that will bring me to the full knowledge and acceptance of the reality of my present condition. The heavy and carefully chosen words of the doctor during my previous diagnostic interaction with him in the consultation room still ring in my ears.

Obviouly, those words must have been deliberately and carefully chosen to sound and resound to my hearing even when I have left the hospital premises. So after a protracted struggle with the reality of the moment, I have come to accept the truth that I am sick. This must be one the biggest things I have achieved in life. Although this may worth very little to some people, but from the perspective of my life, its value is inestimable.

I have, therefore, swallowed the hard pill that frightened me for years; that my years if not days are numbered, that my body especially its internal organs, like a bad spare tyre, is no longer dependable, that I now have to live with some physical weakness and mental derangement, that I have to abstain from most of my routine activities even those that brought me fame and those I greatly delight in, that I now have to be dependent on routine medication, and that I have to compromise my privacy to those who will provide my daily nursing needs.

One of the major challenges that face me at the moment is this drug that have entered my life. On what used to be my working table when I was healthy, drugs remind me of the new work I must do to sustain my failing health, on my dining table they are kept as the undesired addition to my regular menu, at my bedside they seem more to me as escorts to the reality of my end than of my beginning.

In all these, the overwhelming presence of drugs around me does not give me joy at all,probably because of what it announces; weakness, incapacity, dependence, pain, bitterness, surrender and death. These, I feel, are high grades of bad news. However, herein lies my present task; to accept my drugs as I have accepted my sickness and to see it as a good companion whose painful effects and bitter taste harmonize my weak body and distressed mind to a heavenly wisdom with which I may again, work strongly in the world of the living or simply wait in hope for the glories of the yonder world.

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